i pulled back the shower curtain and found foul-smelling, black detritus all over the shower basin. the drain had hurled black hair, nail clippings, and lord knows what else as i slept. i couldn’t clean any of it up until the clog was cleared.

i share plumbing with my next door neighbors. they’re a hip couple from ohio. they don’t speak or hold the front door open for anybody and toss mail on the floor of the vestibule. there’s a t-shaped pipe which directly connects our kitchen drains. we could play telephone by shouting into our kitchen drains if we wanted. i know we share plumbing because they pour oil down the drain. i don’t know they pour oil down the drain because they told me so. i know because i can discriminate an oilberg from not-an-oilberg by analyzing what the snake caught during its latest trip down the pipe.

the shower drain isn’t so simple to unclog. you can’t run a snake down it, like the kitchen drain. the bend in the pipe is too dramatic for that. you need specialized tools. drain cleaner, namely. but not just any drain cleaner. the serious shit. go ask your dad. he’ll tell you. i’m talking about black swan power crystals, available through amazon for $13.97. black swan emits a gas so caustic it will kill you if you inhale it. i employ chemical warfare only as a last resort. only when the snake fails to clear the pipe’s secrets.

i hadn’t spoken to my neighbors before. not because i hadn’t tried but rather because they’re brahmin hailing from corn atlantis. i hail from a region where people’s parents all work for three letter agencies. before pouring black swan down the drain, i wanted to know if my neighbor’s shower drain was also clogged. if so then i should share some drain cleaner with them. so i knocked on their door.

it was nine in the morning and they were blasting burzum’s filosofem. i heard the volume drop, but nobody answered the door. so i knocked again. no answer or stirring. so i wrote my phone number on a piece of paper with a note and slipped it under their front door. a shocking escalation of sincerity and forthrightness which, with sufficient thoughts and prayers, may someday become punishable by death, god willing. not two minutes later i received a text message informing me their shower drain was not clogged.

i found that hard to believe. i wasn’t going to get into all of the hair splitting exhibits about nail clippings and shared pipes and everything else. they have oil to pour down the kitchen drain. they’re busy people. besides, it’s technically possible those nail clippings belong to the previous tenants, who i know personally, as the pipes can hold secrets for many years. but the previous tenants, also blonde, don’t strike me as nail-clippings-down-the-drain people. all i can say is my next door neighbor’s shower activities, unlike their kitchen activities, shall elude me forever, as will the full schematic of our shared plumbing.

i kneel before the shower basin and find myself overwhelmed with emotion. we all want to fit in. i stare into the shallow drain and descry a crowd of spermless love and playing dead. a crowd i shall never mime. sadness and fear transmogrify into rage. i pour black swan down the drain, chased by warm water. fan on high. window open. door shut tight behind me. i flee to mcgolrick park to patiently wait for the air to clear. a friend happens by on his way to the gym. we grab black coffee, find a bench, and laugh about absolutely nothing. my favorite pastime of all.